Bajaa uski baraat mein uska band...

Anushka Sharma pulls off the girl-next-door excellently in Band Bajaa Baraat - almost to the point where you would want to put for her. And then the bloody country variety amit_123 strikes.

Bah!

I repeat, kill 'em all!

Unite against philistines

Here is an excellent plan to get rid of philistines and the various varieties of _123s in an elegant manner. But first, some background...

A typical _123 or philistine does not know it is a _123 or philistine. It thinks it is a cool, suave and natty specimen put on the face of the earth by the Almighty to pleasure women. It also does not possess a brain and is not a sentient being. Though this has been proven time and again, the _123 or the philistine does not register this fact - simply because of the absence of thought.

The easiest way to please a philistine is to fuel its ego - for, once this is done, it will bend to your command. This is exactly how most women successfully use it as a large and, most often, affluent toy which is occasionally used to derive (but unknown to the philistine, this is just a carrot and stick (pun intended) ploy employed by the woman) carnal pleasure.

A simple way to get it to perform a task is to make the task look 'cool' - anything that might potentially add to its already over-bloated ego is acceptable to the philistine. The other way is to make it seem foolish - the classic "What-you-did-not-know-that-Britney-Spears-is-a-Nobel-Peace-Prize-winner" method. The second method is what I prefer and that is what this plan is based on.

A _123 or philistine needs to be slowly led to believe that you are its friend and a nerdy friend at that. This isn't too hard to do - send stupid sms/email forwards with flaccid jokes ( to become good friend) and watch a re-run of a KBC episode with it and get all the answers to the question that SRK asks right (yes, it still thinks KBC 2 is latest).

Once you have reached this state, move on to phase two. Constantly emphasize the fact that a particular activity is the absolute epitome of 'cool-ness' -

a. jumping off the second floor and landing on your feet

b. doing a wheelie on the NICE road at 120kmph

c. short-selling means selling a share that is going up and then buying it back at a higher price (Note, this is probably the easiest - the _123/philistine is so fuckin' dumb that chances are it already thinks this is short selling).

Phase 3 involves finding the photo of a hot woman and convincing the _123/philistine that doing the activity (refer to phase 2) in public at a pre-determined time when the woman is around will make her attracted to it. For best results, involve a hot female friend to pretend to like it, but since most of us would not be reading/writing this if we had hot female friends who would conspire with us in such tasks, using a photo of Ursula Andress or Andie McDowell or Kelly Minka is sufficient - the _123/philistine does not know actresses beyond Kareena or Mallika.

Pick a spot and time. Promise to be there but feign fever on the appointed day. Drink beer at home watching TV-9 - because that's the channel which telecasts foolish things that foolish creatures do. It would have either broken both legs, become road-kill on NICE or in jail for defaulting on payments.

Must stop...

...using emoticons. Completely. I am completely and utterly disgusted.

The only purpose they seem to serve is to take the edge off stuff I write. Everything I write sounds laconic and acerbic with dollops of cynicism in my head.

And, must stop using happy words like dollops and oodles. Shitloads works just as well.

Damn! Must become anti-social again.